Hi-Keeba!

I had a story published at the 50 Word Stories blog. Check it out here.

Heavy Metal or No Metal At All

I keep promising myself I'm going to write more, so I might as well jump back into blogging. Here are my thoughts on the bands at the recent Decibel Magazine Tour which hit the Trocadero in Philadelphia in May.

Evoken – I like funeral doom, although I don't follow the genre particularly closely. I'm not sure how popular Evoken is within the movement, but based on their live performance, they deserve to be huge. The band's music is slow and torturous, and it sounds absolutely crushing on stage. They have a new album coming out this year, and if the show is anything to go, it will be very impressive. I wish these guys could have played longer, as they were excellent

In Solitude – I don't know much about these guys except they seem to be going for a NWOBHM/ Mercyful Fate vibe and their songs are kind of long. They were good, but they were a bit of a letdown after Evoken's set.

The Devil's Blood – Unless there's some material I'm not familiar with, The Devil's Blood is barely a metal band. I've read reviews describing them as a doom metal band, and they are heavier live than on CD, but they're basically a Satanic version of Jefferson Airplane. I'm baffled as to why they're getting so much attention from the metal press. If they were going to get a female-fronted band to be on this tour, why not Blood Ceremony or Witch Mountain? I have no idea what they were doing on this tour.

Watain – Watain often likes to cover themselves in blood and bring rotting meat with them on stage. Although it seemed like the Trocadero prevented them from going all out (no rotting meat as far as I could tell), but they were pretty great. I'm having trouble remembering their exact setlist, but they definitely played “Reaping Death” and “Stellarvore”. Next to Marduk, Watain is probably the best Swedish black metal band working. I'd love to seem the do a headlining show sometime, as I'd have like to have heard a few more songs from them.

Behemoth – I've been a fan of Behemoth since their Grom album, and it's been a little weird to see them go from an obscure black metal band to arguably Poland's best known death metal band (It feels weird to say that, what with the illustrious career Vader have carved out for themselves, but Behemoth has appeared on Ozzfest and headlines tours in America).

The band is still touring behind their album Evangelion, so a lot of the set list was pulled from that that album. Most of the other songs were from Demigod and The Apostasy, although they did throw in “Chant for Ezkaton 2000” and “23(The Youth Manifesto)” from their earluer albums and even “Moonspell Rites” from the And the Forests Dream Eternally EP. The band sounded fantastic, even better than when I saw them at the TLA a couple of years ago. There are too few heavy metal shows in Philadelphia, so it was nice to have such an impressive group of bands come to town.

Career Opportunities

My submission to an Xtranormal contest
A lot of rules for this one, so I couldn't get as weird as I would haveliked. Still I don't think it's too terrible.

Burying the Lead
Christ, I haven't blogged in a while. I'm so ashamed. Anyway, I was reading an article the other day, and the headline was "Inflation close to non-existent". And the first few paragraphs talk about how prices aren't going up on consumer goods. But then, halfway through the article, it notes that the prices of food and energy are indeed going up. So inflation only affects people who have to eat or drive somewhere. That's a relief.

Chris Puzak Poetry Corner
Peter Sotos
Wants to babysit your kids
Don't let him

Crazy people offended by crazy ad I don't know why people are complaining about this Burger King ad. If I thought crazy people were handing out free food, I would want to spend more time with them. It's well-known that the Manson family was acting under the influence of all the free donuts Charlie gave them.

The Do-It-Yourself Giallo Generator Awesome.

You're Tearing Me Apart, Lisa!

Thrill Power is Coming Back to America
From what I've read on the 2000 AD message boards, Simon and Schuster will be doing reprints of 2000 AD material in America. You can see some solictations here, here, and here. 2000 AD has terrible distribution in America(thanks for nothing, Diamond!), and it will be nice to see some Judge Dredd material in the stores again.

Former Gorgoroth Singer Wins "Homosexual of the Year" Award If anything, he should be homosexual of the decade. Those Gorgoroth albums he sang on were great.

The Best Magical Item Ever I hope I roll a 5.

Here I am, and You're Dairy Queen

I once went to the Dairy Queen on South Street in Philadelphia and ordered a chocolate milkshake. The person behind the counter informed me that they were out of milk and chocolate ice cream. I think that If you claim to be some sort of potentate of an entire food group, then you really shouldn’t be running out of it. You don’t see this sort of thing happening at Burger King. If they ever ran out of meat, I’d like to think they’d do the honorable thing and demote themselves to some loyal level of royalty, such as Burger Viscount.

Dairy Queen could have least made up some story, like “We found a severed head in the milkshake machine and we’re waiting for the cops to show up and dust for fingerprints”, but they couldn’t even do that. Dairy Queen failed in their primary mission, which is to provide me with tasty chocolate milkshakes. I went to Hagen Daaz instead.

My Mind on My Fiat Currency, and my Fiat Currency on My Mind

Recently seen on Old York Road I drove by a hairdresser yesterday named Solaris Hair Salon. Presumably this means the store itself is a sentient being and your hair gets cut by mental projections of your dead relatives.

Some dude from Baywatch Hawaii to play Conan the Barbarian This sounds about as cool as the news that the new Mad Max movie will have CGI and no Mel Gibson. Lame.

James Patterson,Inc James Patterson is an even bigger hack than you imagaine, but I was not aware his first novel won an Edgar Award. I might have to check that one out

It didn't start with Conan O'Brien Even back in the 60s, NBC was willing to screw up its late-night programming.

New song from Aborted


Aborted's past couple albums were a little too wimpy for my taste, but this is nice return to form for them. It's a Christmas miracle!

My New Favorite Site on the Internet Oh Lamebook, how did I not know about you before this?

The Eyes Seem to Follow You



When I feel stressed out, I just look at the postcard of Jim. J. Bullock and find the strength to go on.

Comic strip mashups I think the Sin City one is my favorite, but they're all good.

No One Should Die at a Concert, But Everyone Should Die at a Rave
Some music reviews:
Megadeth - Endgame - If Dave Mustaine would drop the whole Jesus thing, get back on the drugs, stop talking about how he was unfairly kicked out of Metallica, and just concentrate on thrashing, he might actually write an album that’s as good as Rust in Peace. As it is, he’s written that’s almost as good Countdown to Extinction. It could have been worseI don’t even know why I even bother with Megadeth these days. Not only did he throw a hissy fit over having to play appear at the same festival as Rotting Christ, he won’t play “Black Friday” in concert anymore. Lame.

Gorgoroth - Quantos Possunt ad Satanitatem Trahunt - My marriage has undergone considerable strain due to the legal battles surrounding Gorgoroth. My wife was firmly in Infernus’s camp, and I was supporting Gaahl and King ov Hell. I’m not a violent man, but I was ready to throw some dishes when my wife said that Twilight of the Idols sucked. But I’m at fault too. Honey, I’m sorry I said that Under the Sign of Hell was overrated. I listened to it again, and you’re right, it is awesome.
This is the first Gorgoroth album to feature music from Infernus since Incipit Satan, and to be honest, things are a little shaky. I like that Pest is back on vocals, but the music is uninspired. There are too many mid-paced songs, and the production is way too slick. I suppose if you’re a Gorgoroth fanatic you’ll want it, but I was disappointed by this one.

Liturgy - Renihilation - This is nice. I’ve been told the members of Liturgy are all secret hipsters, but I don’t care. After listening to this, I say more albums should be recorded in the icy depths of an American Apparel dressing room. This is blisteringly fast black metal , reminiscent of Darkthrone’s Transylvanian Hunger or Ulver’s Natten’s Madrigal. My only complaint is that the vocals are a little too deep in the mix, but other than that, this is one of the best albums of the year.

Trapped Under Vice Looks like Fenriz of Darkthrone put together a mix CD for Vice magazine. As you might expect, Fenriz has impeccable taste in music. Money quote - " I also start with two tracks that have a really underground sound, so I will lose all posers that try to listen to the mix."

Oh Mummy!


This is only really funny if you've seen the Doctor Who episode "Pyramids of Mars" about 20 times, like I have.

Good Thing My Professional Football Career Never Got off the Ground I'm sticking with Dance Dance Revolution.

Kate Gosselin Does not Deserve Our Pity So true, but I don't know if we'll ever be rid of her. The problem is that if you watch Jon and Kate Plus 8 then you have to get someone else to watch an episode within seven days, or else Kate Gosselin will crawl out of the television and eat your soul.

Regretsy I really need that brushed fleece poncho.

Clearing Up a Few Misconceptions


After watching this classic W.A.S.P. video, you may be under the impression that nurses spend their nights capturing the souls of young women, putting them in test tubes, and then dancing around in skimpy outfits and working out on exercise machines. My wife is a nurse who works the night shift, and from what I understand this video is incredibly misleading and not at all an accurate representation of a nurse's typical workday.

Random Thought from a New Homeowner
Surely there's a easy way to tell the plants from the weeds in my yard. Maybe I should just pave it all over to be safe.

Paul Levitz out at DC What does this mean for the future? Who knows. If it means more money for DC to keep doing what they're doing, then that's a good thing, even though I detest all the mega-crossovers DC has been releasing. At least I can ignore all that and read Fables. Unfortunately, what will probably happen is that Warners will get rid of Vertigo,find new and interesting ways to screw up the superheroes, and release a big-budget Captain Carrot and the Zoo Crew movie. Time to start reading more manga.

The Footnotes of Madmen Fun historical trivia about each episode. Even more exciting: official Patio T-shirts.

The Wolf is at your Door The shirt is lame as hell, but the user comments are pure gold.

Cheer up America
Only the biodegradable portion of Michael Jackson is gone. With all the plastic surgery he's had, we will still have parts of Michael Jackson around for years to come.

Hipsters That is all.

Philadelphians don't want slot machines in the Gallery I can understand this. When you're at The Gallery, and you have to deal with the drugged-out homeless people, the incredibly fat women with their broods of feral children, and the bathrooms that look like a scene from Pier Paolo Pasolini’s film Salo, or the 120 Days of Sodom, you wouldn't that magical ambiance ruined by the presence of a slot machine or two.